Trigger: Loss of Child
This past week has definitely been something else. I was just thinking about everything that has happened since my baby shower and realized it’s been a whole month already. Time is going by so fast, yet still seems to be dragging by. I don’t have a lot of friends, so aside from the pregnancy group I joined on Facebook, I didn’t have many personal friends who were pregnant with me, aside from one. However, a friend of my sister was pregnant at the same time. She was two months ahead of me I think. We knew each other before our pregnancies, but we didn’t really talk or hang out much. We started talking more about the babies and how the pregnancies were going. I was behind her so if something weird was going on or I was curious about the next stage, I would message her and see what her experience was. She had her baby a month early and my sister and I went to see her and the babe the same day. He was in the NICU, but was allowed visitors as long as we scrubbed down. I was terrified holding him so new to the world, attached to different wires and being monitored constantly.
When they were discharged from the hospital, I went to visit them at their house. It made me so impatient for my little girl to come, all I wanted to do was hold a baby! I was definitely more comfortable holding him without all the wires and hospital staff. My little girl kept kicking his bottom the whole time I held him. I didn’t know what to think when my sister messaged me one morning saying that she just got a phone call that the baby had passed. For a second I didn’t comprehend what she was saying. It didn’t seem in the realm of possibility that this sweet child I had just held was gone. I was terrified. I was scared that if it could happen to their baby it could happen to mine and there’s nothing I could do to stop it. I felt guilty that I was pregnant and she had just lost her son. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I don’t think there’s anything to say in a moment like that. No parent should have to go through losing a child, especially not after such a short time with them. Going to that funeral was one of the saddest things I’ve ever done. My princess was moving the whole time. I don’t know if it was because she could sense how I was feeling or what, but I like to think she was just reminding me that she’s doing okay. So, in memory of Corbin Ryan, you were supposed to be my little girl’s childhood crush and soul mate. We had planned the play dates and dreamed of a future with our children together. Rest in peace little angel.
Something I learned during the funeral was the importance of taking pictures. His mom had taken so many pictures of him. The slideshow had pictures of him with his parents, by himself, with grandparents, cousins, etc. I’m glad she took them, that she has those memories. I’ve taken pictures of my bump every week, captured moments where my puppy was cuddled up next to her.
I’ve documented our doctors appointments, when we bought the different furniture pieces, etc. I think it’s important to have those things. Not just in case something happens, but so she has them later on. I don’t have anything from when my mom was pregnant with me or when I was little, and I wish I did. I also wasn’t close to my mother because she didn’t raise me, so the situations were a little bit different I suppose. I’m treasuring every moment I have with this pregnancy, and then when she’s born I’ll cherish every new facial expression and milestone reached. Children really are gifts that shouldn’t be taken for granted. I feel as though this whole post is scattered and not well written but I needed to get it out. It’s been a long, exhausting, heartbreaking day. Hopefully all of you are having a good Monday, setting the week up to be a great one.