Little Moments

Trigger: Loss of Child

This past week has definitely been something else. I was just thinking about everything that has happened since my baby shower and realized it’s been a whole month already.  Time is going by so fast, yet still seems to be dragging by.  I don’t have a lot of friends, so aside from the pregnancy group I joined on Facebook, I didn’t have many personal friends who were pregnant with me, aside from one. However, a friend of my sister was pregnant at the same time. She was two months ahead of me I think. We knew each other before our pregnancies, but we didn’t really talk or hang out much. We started talking more about the babies and how the pregnancies were going. I was behind her so if something weird was going on or I was curious about the next stage, I would message her and see what her experience was. She had her baby a month early and my sister and I went to see her and the babe the same day. He was in the NICU, but was allowed visitors as long as we scrubbed down. I was terrified holding him so new to the world, attached to different wires and being monitored constantly.

When they were discharged from the hospital, I went to visit them at their house. It made me so impatient for my little girl to come, all I wanted to do was hold a baby! I was definitely more comfortable holding him without all the wires and hospital staff. My little girl kept kicking his bottom the whole time I held him. I didn’t know what to think when my sister messaged me one morning saying that she just got a phone call that the baby had passed. For a second I didn’t comprehend what she was saying. It didn’t seem in the realm of possibility that this sweet child I had just held was gone. I was terrified. I was scared that if it could happen to their baby it could happen to mine and there’s nothing I could do to stop it. I felt guilty that I was pregnant and she had just lost her son. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I don’t think there’s anything to say in a moment like that. No parent should have to go through losing a child, especially not after such a short time with them. Going to that funeral was one of the saddest things I’ve ever done. My princess was moving the whole time. I don’t know if it was because she could sense how I was feeling or what, but I like to think she was just reminding me that she’s doing okay. So, in memory of Corbin Ryan, you were supposed to be my little girl’s childhood crush and soul mate. We had planned the play dates and dreamed of a future with our children together. Rest in peace little angel.

Something I learned during the funeral was the importance of taking pictures. His mom had taken so many pictures of him. The slideshow had pictures of him with his parents, by himself, with grandparents, cousins, etc. I’m glad she took them, that she has those memories. I’ve taken pictures of my bump every week, captured moments where my puppy was cuddled up next to her.

I’ve documented our doctors appointments, when we bought the different furniture pieces, etc. I think it’s important to have those things. Not just in case something happens, but so she has them later on. I don’t have anything from when my mom was pregnant with me or when I was little, and I wish I did. I also wasn’t close to my mother because she didn’t raise me, so the situations were a little bit different I suppose. I’m treasuring every moment I have with this pregnancy, and then when she’s born I’ll cherish every new facial expression and milestone reached. Children really are gifts that shouldn’t be taken for granted. I feel as though this whole post is scattered and not well written but I needed to get it out. It’s been a long, exhausting, heartbreaking day. Hopefully all of you are having a good Monday, setting the week up to be a great one.

Vent

Well, if y’all wanna hear about my current stressful situation, sit back with a cold one and continue on. Make that two cold ones, since I can’t currently have my own.

My boyfriend, Mark, has a daughter. She’s going to be 9 soon and she lives with her mother across country. My understanding, from both Mark and his parents is that the relationship was verbally abusive and there were a lot of issues between him and her. She’s doing better now I guess, in a different relationship and they just had a baby like maybe 7 or 8 months ago now. She had her baby right before I found out I was pregnant I believe. Their custody agreement is that she spends the summers here with her dad and they rotate holidays. Like last year he went up there for her Thanksgiving break and this year she comes down for her Christmas break. He doesn’t get to see her as much as he’d like, obviously but with the costs of travel and hotels, etc., they make it work.

I have yet to meet this lady. I haven’t talked to her. I know nothing about her and she knows nothing about me. I get that she might be concerned about her daughter coming down and spending time with a woman she doesn’t know. It’s like letting your kid spend the night at their friend’s house even though you’ve never met the parents, except it’s across the country and there’s really nothing you can do. I met his daughter last summer on a couple different occasions and talk to her on the phone all the time. She’s a hoot and this summer is definitely going to be fun and interesting.

Since we got the house in December, we’ve been decorating and putting all the rooms together bit by bit. We waited to paint the kids’ room until we found out the gender of this little one since our baby will be living here 100% of the year, not just a couple visits. His daughter and I always talk about different colors to paint different things in the room and what decorations she wants in there, etc. I don’t want her to feel like everything is about the baby. I want her to know that it’s her room too and we want her to love everything about it. I guess ever since her mom had the baby last winter she’s been feeling like her mom isn’t paying as much attention to her. We don’t want her to feel that way here, but obviously babies require everything you have and then some. Every time I get a bow for the baby, I’ll get one for her. I’ve been buying her bedding and some different decorations and necessities like crazy this past month because she’ll be here on the 4th of June. I’ve put a lot of time, energy, and care into making her feel secure in her spot in her dad’s life. Which is why it hurt so damn much when her mom put it into her head that she doesn’t really know me and maybe she shouldn’t spend a lot of time with me. Like sorry lady, but we’re having a baby and we have a house together and I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon. Are you just going to keep her away forever? How are we supposed to bond and get to know each other if we’re never given the opportunity? How is that supposed to change if you put it in this impressionable child’s head that I’m basically a stranger. It really fucking hurt. My instant thought was all the money that I’ve spent trying to make her dream room come to life when I could’ve been spending that money on shit for my own kid. My biological first child, who still needs crib sheets and a diaper bag and countless other things. But because his daughter was going to be here before I had the baby I put her as a higher priority so her room would be nearly finished when she got here. It just hurt. I’m putting my all into making this work because it’s so important to Mark and I get it. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love my kids like they were their own. But I don’t think he understands how much that hurt me. It might just be the pregnancy hormones making me emotional but it made me wonder why I’m even trying. But I know why I’m trying. I’m trying because I love him and I want him to be happy and he’ll only be happy if his daughter is also happy. So I’m going to continue to exhaust myself making everything perfect for her and just hope that I have the time and money to make things perfect for my little girl too.

I don’t want to be jealous or selfish of his other child. I have no right, or reason, to be. But I commend step parents everywhere. It’s not easy. I couldn’t imagine having her here full time. I don’t know if I would treat my baby differently or treat them equally. It makes me question myself as a person because I just don’t know if I would be as good of a parent to his daughter as I want to be for ours. Any advice? Any comforting words? Anything at all?

Staycation

Something that was really nice at the beginning of my pregnancy was working less hours. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was working as a hostess/manager of a locally owned Greek restaurant. My schedule was 6 days a week, from midday until we closed and I locked up. I was always the last one there and if something went wrong I was typically the one who had to deal with it unless the owner was there. From week 5ish until about week 10, I was so sick. I had the worst morning sickness and couldn’t keep anything down. I was given fluids in the emergency room and lost 6 pounds. I was really tiny to start with, so there wasn’t really 6 pounds to spare. I would show up to work and look like crap. I didn’t have the energy to be upbeat all the time and my coloring was off because I wasn’t getting enough sleep, nutrition, or fluids. I was in the bathroom on and off all night because the different food smells made me so sick. Slowly, my hours got taken away until I was only working one day a week. It wasn’t worth going in and getting the attitude not knowing if I was going to be completely taken off the schedule or not, so I just handed over my keys and told them to have a nice day. Excellent decision on my part. My morning sickness went away. I know it’s not completely because I quit the job, but I feel like the extra time to rest and less stress in my daily life definitely played a part.

I found another job about 2 weeks after I quit that one and I absolutely love it. My manager is a mother of two kids, my only responsibility is showing up for my scheduled shifts, and it’s super part time. When I was admitted to the hospital, my manager was so understanding and didn’t give me a hard time about not being able to come in. Because I work part time I only had to get one shift covered but she handled everything and had my stay in the hospital been longer, she would’ve taken care of my shifts no problem. It’s so nice knowing that I won’t be punished for this supposed-to-be joyous event in my life. I have my leave for her birth and everything already worked out and my job will be waiting for me as soon as I feel up to coming back. Don’t get me wrong, I reallyyyyy miss the paychecks, but my body is definitely benefiting from the rest and relaxation. Our bills are paid and we aren’t wanting for much so I can’t complain. I’ll also have more time to spend with our baby girl come July, as well as taking more classes to finish my degree and hopefully get a career that will be more conducive to a lifestyle that involves children and family.

Something I have been able to do with all this extra time is netflix and chill, by my damn self with my dogs and cat. However, I’ve been running out of shows. Grey’s Anatomy is having its season finale, Station 19 is having its season finale, Legacies already had its season finale. I watched The Vampire Diaries, The Originals, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Umbrella Academy, Hart of Dixie, and I’m about done with Parenthood. Yes, some of those are on Hulu. At the beginning of my pregnancy The Bachelor was just coming on tv. I used to watch it with my grandma when I was little but I haven’t really watched it since. I really haven’t been big on tv in general because I’ve been working full time for years. TV was never really on the schedule. Now is a completely different story. Anywhoooo, tonight is the season premier of The Bachelorette and it’s going to carry me through the end of my pregnancy, at least on Monday nights. The season finale, if this season has 11 episodes like the other ones, will end on July 22nd and I’m due July 21st.

Right now, everyone is doing their introductions. I always hated this part of the show. It’s boring, everyone is trying to make a good first impression and they usually just come off as desperate. There’s one guy on here and I’m pretty sure he’s gay. He was doing some kind of like belly dancing. I’m not saying anything is wrong with dancing, buttttttt he definitely has that vibe. And let’s talk about the box guy with the junk joke. I think he’s way too immature for the show, but I thought that about Demi too on the last season of the Bachelor and she ended up just being a really funny lady. Some of these guys seem legit but it’s debatable for most. Apparently one of the guys claims to be the sperm-donor father of 114 children. That’s attractive….

Well I hope everyone’s Monday hasn’t been too awful. I might pop back in here if something crazy happens this episode. And if anyone has any suggestions for shows I can binge, pleaseeeee let me know.

Oh, The Places You’ll Go

Two years ago, I thought I was celebrating my first Mother’s Day of many, and then I had a miscarriage 8 days later. I wasn’t out of the first trimester and I’ve since learned that it’s fairly common for women to lose their first pregnancy with it often occurring before they even know they’re pregnant. It’s like the body says, “What is this new thing? No thank you” and rejects it. A majority of women who experience this spontaneous early miscarriage with their first pregnancy go on to have successful, issue free pregnancies. Thankful this is thus far the case for me. Mother’s Day welcomes in week 30 of this pregnancy. The past month has been full of changes both emotionally and physically, as well as in my relationships with my boyfriend and my family.

I was admitted to a high risk NICU hospital for a possible stroke on the 25th last month. I was at work and started feeling really weird. My eyes got really sensitive and I couldn’t focus on what I was seeing, I couldn’t form my words correctly or make my mouth say what my head wanted it to. I had some tingling and numbness in my hand and jaw. It was a really freaky incident and then I had a massive killer headache for the next 14 hours, including the whole time I was in the er at my local hospital and being transported to the high risk hospital. It wasn’t a stroke. The neurologists are calling it a complicated migraine episode. I have to see a neurologist once a month and they prescribed me some stuff to take should I feel one coming on again. I’ve had one episode since, but other than that I’ve been doing well. My OB has me taking magnesium and iron also. They aren’t super concerned about anything because all my vitals are good. My doctors said as long as my blood pressure is good and baby is fine the pregnancy should continue til full term. That’s really all that matters to me, that she’s okay. I will say I miss being hooked up to the monitor all the time and hearing her heartbeat. It was so reassuring to hear her and know that my baby girl is doing just fine.

This all happened at a really crazy time. My baby shower was the weekend after this, on May 5th. My grandpa and his wife were coming for the whole weekend. The 5th was also his 64th birthday so yay Grandpa! It was his wife’s first time coming to Florida and they went to the beach and we went out to dinner and it was just a lovely, but exhausting weekend. Let me tell you something about planning a party. At the end of the day, the party is happening whether you have every box checked or not. You’re going to forget things you meant to get, the food won’t always be finished as planned, everyone’s not going to show up and some people might be late. It’s just so many things that you can’t control. I put so much thought and sweat and tears and stress into the darn party for nothing. I made the theme watermelon since we were doing a coed barbecue. Pinks and light green were the color scheme with some watermelon things here and there. We made hamburgers and hotdogs, pulled pork, macaroni salad, potato salad, chips and french onion dip, spinach dip, watermelon, a veggie tray, and then his mom and I made red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing and vanilla cupcakes with french buttercream icing. Everyone had a great time, I had a great time. The gifts were all things that we needed, the food was great, the weather cooperated. It was lovely.

I haven’t gotten any pictures from the shower yet. His mom took all of them. I was so busy moving from one place to another and talking to people and just enjoying myself that I barely knew where my phone was half the time.

Cute watermelon plates that we paired with additional pink and lime green dishes to keep the theme alive!

One of my sisters gifts to us for my baby shower. I love nautical themes but it was so hard to find anything girly. All anchors and whales and stuff are usually darker blues for the boys so I asked her to make a girly whale for our little one coming in July. His daughter is going to be 9 this summer and loves mermaids so we went with a mermaid resembling her. I want to make sure she feels included in our family at all times, even though she only lives with us a couple months out of the year. 

The baby shower kind of made things seem more real. It’s one thing to be told for months that you’re going to become a parent. It’s something completely different to have other people asking you about how the nursery is coming along, if you have a name yet, if you have holiday plans, etc. I’ve been living next to a room with baby clothes and furniture in it for two months now but it still hasn’t seemed real. I feel her moving every day but I’ve just gotten used to them. I’m wondering if it will seem even more real when I start my weekly appointments. It’s like I’m going to have a baby in two months, but I still can’t accept that. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had a miscarriage so I’m terrified of something happening in these last 10 weeks or maybe it’s because I’ve never gone through labor and stuff before so I don’t know what to expect. I really have no idea. I set up her closet with all her receiving blankets and soft fuzzy blankets. I washed everything and have all her size newborn to 3 months hanging up and folded in her dresser.

The lighting sucks because it’s pouring outside and we need a new light bulb in the ceiling fan but here’s her closet so far. We’re not done shopping for clothes and stuff but this is the beginning.

The other sizes are folded in a little tote until she’s big enough to wear them. We have enough socks and towels and washcloths and they’re all put in their designated spot. His mom bought us our travel system, we went with the Graco Travel Modes with Snuglock 35 carseat. I absolutely love the stroller. I can face the baby either way in the carseat on it and in the actual seat part of the stroller, I can flip it to face me or to face out so even when she’s a toddler, if I want to have her facing me, I can. I’ll have to take pictures and show you guys once I get it out of the box. It’s currently just sitting in the middle of our kitchen because, unfortunately, we still haven’t gotten our cabinets or island yet. The designs are complete, it’s just getting them made and delivered. It’s taking a bit longer than expected because the family business got a bit busier and paying customers come first. All I know is the day we finally get rid of these raggedy old cabinets is going to be a day of rejoicing, and probably day drinking.

I’ve been giving so much thought to how much of each size she will need and everything. It’s taken a lot of reminding myself that she has everything she needs for when she comes. If we need anything else we can get it then. I’m too much of a planner. And it’s helping me distract myself while the time passes. Welllll, there’s a trillion other things on my mind but dinner calls and hubby will be home soon so maybe later. 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms and I hope everyone is having a good weekend! (:

Never-Ending Journey

I welcome myself into the sixth month of pregnancy. I’m actually in the last week of the sixth month, so here comes seven. I’ve finally started showing, but barely. It’s obvious when I look in the mirror after getting out of the shower, but with clothes on I just look fat. The baby belly definitely looks like a taco belly under clothes. I can’t wait to be obviously pregnant and people don’t debate whether to ask how far along I am on the off chance that I’m just larger and risk offending me. No surprise that I’m still tiny, I’ve gained about 6 pounds so far. Fine by me. I want the bump, not the fat. Less to lose after the baby comes.

The journey into motherhood has taken me to several destinations so far. First one being the joy in the color pink. I wouldn’t call myself a feminine person. I don’t really like pink, can’t stand most floral patterns, etc. I wasn’t a tutu wearing ballerina growing up and didn’t think I would want my daughter to be either. I was so wrong. Pink is fabulous. I don’t want people to ask “is it a girl or boy?” I want it to be obvious! She’s a fierce little lady. Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, the world these days is a “to each their own” kinda thing. My child will be raised as a female because she has a vagina and is medically a female from birth. My child will also be raised to accept how others want to live their life and not to judge people who believe things or feel ways that they don’t. Just because we prefer one way of living doesn’t mean we think all other ways shouldn’t exist.

The second destination was the world of bows! I had already fallen in love with Disney’s Minnie ear headbands and wanted to start a collection for myself, as well as matching ones for my step-daughter, who will be nine this summer. As my Minnie MagicBand states, we’re “all about the bows” and I just put in an order for the matching beach towel. They don’t make baby size Minnie ears though! Sooooo, I took to Facebook and found myself a couple groups, or rather families. The first is Little Lopers. It’s ran by one momma who makes the cutest bows! She does all different colors and styles and sizes. The website is http://www.littlelopers.com and so far we ordered pink mini headwrap for newborn, sassy dots in baby for when we take her to Disney, and groovy mini headwrap for newborn which is tie-dye and fantastic! I need to win the lottery just to buy all the bows! The other group I found is Olivia’s Bow Club which I found when searching for a bow subscription box. I love being able to buy something and not have to worry about continuing to order here and there. Every month three different color and style bows will be shipped to me and I can get matching headbands for me and clips for my other daughter as add-ons. Woohoo! Love it.

Here’s a referral link to Olivia’s Bow Club and a code to use to get your first month free! https://oliviasbowclub.com/?raf=ref0746709      code is: ref0746709

We are officially a bow family, and a pink family.

I feel like it’s all moving so fast, but so slow at the same time. My baby shower/barbecue is less than three weeks away now. We still have to order the plates and decorations from Walmart and Amazon which we’re doing this weekend and next weekend. The food is taken care of for the most part as we’ve been slowly accumulating things here and there. The shower is watermelon themed, with lots of bright or light pink and lime green. We’re doing pulled pork, macaroni salad, hamburgers, a smoked turkey, chips and dip, and loads of homemade cupcakes with food coloring, sprinkles and chocolate chips to make them look watermelony. I also found a straw beach hat to match the theme. It’s going to be adorable.

We have most of the stuff for the nursery taken care of. The crib, changing table/dresser, travel system (his parents), rocking chair (my grandpa). Still haven’t decided on a going home outfit for her, haven’t ordered the diaper bag yet, and I’m waiting a couple more weeks before I pack my hospital bag. Nursery decorations are in the works and I’ll finish buying clothes and diapers after I can take inventory from the shower. My due date is still 3 months away but it feels like it’s creeping up so quickly.

Our house is coming together nicely. It seems things are much slowly paced now. We have all the rooms except the guest bath painted. Some areas still need touched up and we’re procrastinating. Luckily, my “nesting” has turned into a form of extreme OCD and motivation. We got the pet closet built and my hallway closet is rearranged for all my cleaning supplies. I love all my cleaning stuff. We also have our stock pile area arranged with all the household supplies we’ve stocked up on from Sam’s Club and BJ’s the past couple months. The fence is finally put in and our husky loves it! We also got him a little sister, a German Shepherd/Husky/Retriever mix who is great at keeping him company and helping run his energy out.

Back to the guest bath. I found the cutest bathroom set that I’m getting and we picked out the paint to match. It’s under the sea themed so we’re doing a light blue color on all the walls and then my sister, who is super talented at drawing, is putting seaweed in a light green around the bottom. It’s going to be adorable and I can’t wait to see it finished which should be this weekend. The new smart mirror and a couple other things are being put up tomorrow so I can’t do too much until that’s all done.

Well, I think that’s most of what’s been going on. If anything else comes to mind I’ll be sure to make another post. I miss writing. I’ve been writing research papers for my class all semester but I find it so therapeutic to just get out all the goings ons of my day, or month.

Hope everyone else is doing well (:

Marching On

Hey everyone,

I’m 22 weeks as of tomorrow. Woohoo. Cheers to a thus far successful pregnancy. We found out it’s a girl, the name is all picked out. The nursery is halfway set up, with the crib coming at the end of the month. I finished designing the shower invitations today and will have those printed out soon. I did some research and they’re supposed to be sent out a month to two months before the shower. We decided on May 5th so as long as I have them out before the end of the month I’m what is considered “socially acceptable.” Not that I much care about that sort of thing but it would be nice to give everyone enough time to RSVP so I don’t end up with too much or not enough food.

Mark’s birthday was this month. We went to a little French restaurant with his parents for dinner. His mom loves escargot and I was forced to try it. I say forced because I hate trying anything on the spot. I’ve always thought snail would be slimy and disgusting but it was in a garlic butter sauce and actually had a nice texture. I probably wouldn’t order a dish for myself but I’ll take one of hers from now on. It was nice to have tried something new and discovered that I actually like it. It was a reminder not to judge things without giving them a chance.

I have to admit, it’s extremely hard to stay anti-pink once you find out you’re having a daughter. I’m still anti-ugly flower patterns but the pink stuff is getting cuter. Mostly because I don’t want people to ask me if it’s a boy or girl or assume that it’s a boy because then I’ll be pissed off and correct them probably too rudely than necessary. Don’t jump on me for being sexist, but society tends to fall into the same rut. Blue means boy, pink means girl. And honestly, when babies are fresh out of the womb, they all look the same. You see the little feet and toes, the little hands and fingers and that’s that. It’s also making me more feminine. I’ve been buying more cute clothes for myself. Mostly because the stuff is comfortable but also because I want to have the cute little mommy and daughter girly outfits. It is what it is. It’s my first child, my first girl. A little me. I’m enjoying it as much as I can.

Other than that, work is cool. School is decent. Grades are good, things are being done on time. Hope everyone else is having a good 2019. 🙂

Telling Time

There aren’t enough hours in the day, but yet time seems to drag on. You look back and wonder where the time went while simultaneously counting the seconds to the next event, day, hour.
I wasn’t planning on stepping away from my site for as long as I did. Between waiting patiently for my little peanut to grow, to wishing the days away until the house was completed, many things got pushed to the side. That said, I have returned with a newfound sense of patience and understanding that time passes just as it should.

Yesterday I had my anatomy scan for the little one. I found out a couple weeks ago, from the blood test, that I’m having a little girl. The ultrasound yesterday confirmed such. She also has all her fingers and toes, a nicely forming heart, all her facial features, and so on. It appears as though her and our home are progressing hand in hand. The nursery is now painted, several outfits picked out, registry completed, baby “shower” planned, and almost all the family has been told.

I’m terrified of telling my grandpa. He raised me most of my life. I’m not worried that he’ll be angry or disappointed, just that he might make me feel as though I’m not ready. Honestly, I’m not ready. I don’t think anyone is ready to have their first child. You can visualize other people taking care of their children, read books about it, get advice on it, but still have absolutely no idea the full effect it will have on your life. I guess I just want him to be happy for me, not concerned, though any parent probably feels concern when hearing news like this. I’m thinking of writing him an e-mail, or telling my great-grandma and hoping somehow she passes the news along, but I feel like that’s the coward’s way out and he deserves to hear it from me.

School is school. I’m working on a research paper right now about henna tattoos and their place in different cultures. That should be fun. I have a busy couple months ahead of me, but I hope to write about it much more often. (: