Vent

Well, if y’all wanna hear about my current stressful situation, sit back with a cold one and continue on. Make that two cold ones, since I can’t currently have my own.

My boyfriend, Mark, has a daughter. She’s going to be 9 soon and she lives with her mother across country. My understanding, from both Mark and his parents is that the relationship was verbally abusive and there were a lot of issues between him and her. She’s doing better now I guess, in a different relationship and they just had a baby like maybe 7 or 8 months ago now. She had her baby right before I found out I was pregnant I believe. Their custody agreement is that she spends the summers here with her dad and they rotate holidays. Like last year he went up there for her Thanksgiving break and this year she comes down for her Christmas break. He doesn’t get to see her as much as he’d like, obviously but with the costs of travel and hotels, etc., they make it work.

I have yet to meet this lady. I haven’t talked to her. I know nothing about her and she knows nothing about me. I get that she might be concerned about her daughter coming down and spending time with a woman she doesn’t know. It’s like letting your kid spend the night at their friend’s house even though you’ve never met the parents, except it’s across the country and there’s really nothing you can do. I met his daughter last summer on a couple different occasions and talk to her on the phone all the time. She’s a hoot and this summer is definitely going to be fun and interesting.

Since we got the house in December, we’ve been decorating and putting all the rooms together bit by bit. We waited to paint the kids’ room until we found out the gender of this little one since our baby will be living here 100% of the year, not just a couple visits. His daughter and I always talk about different colors to paint different things in the room and what decorations she wants in there, etc. I don’t want her to feel like everything is about the baby. I want her to know that it’s her room too and we want her to love everything about it. I guess ever since her mom had the baby last winter she’s been feeling like her mom isn’t paying as much attention to her. We don’t want her to feel that way here, but obviously babies require everything you have and then some. Every time I get a bow for the baby, I’ll get one for her. I’ve been buying her bedding and some different decorations and necessities like crazy this past month because she’ll be here on the 4th of June. I’ve put a lot of time, energy, and care into making her feel secure in her spot in her dad’s life. Which is why it hurt so damn much when her mom put it into her head that she doesn’t really know me and maybe she shouldn’t spend a lot of time with me. Like sorry lady, but we’re having a baby and we have a house together and I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon. Are you just going to keep her away forever? How are we supposed to bond and get to know each other if we’re never given the opportunity? How is that supposed to change if you put it in this impressionable child’s head that I’m basically a stranger. It really fucking hurt. My instant thought was all the money that I’ve spent trying to make her dream room come to life when I could’ve been spending that money on shit for my own kid. My biological first child, who still needs crib sheets and a diaper bag and countless other things. But because his daughter was going to be here before I had the baby I put her as a higher priority so her room would be nearly finished when she got here. It just hurt. I’m putting my all into making this work because it’s so important to Mark and I get it. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love my kids like they were their own. But I don’t think he understands how much that hurt me. It might just be the pregnancy hormones making me emotional but it made me wonder why I’m even trying. But I know why I’m trying. I’m trying because I love him and I want him to be happy and he’ll only be happy if his daughter is also happy. So I’m going to continue to exhaust myself making everything perfect for her and just hope that I have the time and money to make things perfect for my little girl too.

I don’t want to be jealous or selfish of his other child. I have no right, or reason, to be. But I commend step parents everywhere. It’s not easy. I couldn’t imagine having her here full time. I don’t know if I would treat my baby differently or treat them equally. It makes me question myself as a person because I just don’t know if I would be as good of a parent to his daughter as I want to be for ours. Any advice? Any comforting words? Anything at all?

Never-Ending Journey

I welcome myself into the sixth month of pregnancy. I’m actually in the last week of the sixth month, so here comes seven. I’ve finally started showing, but barely. It’s obvious when I look in the mirror after getting out of the shower, but with clothes on I just look fat. The baby belly definitely looks like a taco belly under clothes. I can’t wait to be obviously pregnant and people don’t debate whether to ask how far along I am on the off chance that I’m just larger and risk offending me. No surprise that I’m still tiny, I’ve gained about 6 pounds so far. Fine by me. I want the bump, not the fat. Less to lose after the baby comes.

The journey into motherhood has taken me to several destinations so far. First one being the joy in the color pink. I wouldn’t call myself a feminine person. I don’t really like pink, can’t stand most floral patterns, etc. I wasn’t a tutu wearing ballerina growing up and didn’t think I would want my daughter to be either. I was so wrong. Pink is fabulous. I don’t want people to ask “is it a girl or boy?” I want it to be obvious! She’s a fierce little lady. Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, the world these days is a “to each their own” kinda thing. My child will be raised as a female because she has a vagina and is medically a female from birth. My child will also be raised to accept how others want to live their life and not to judge people who believe things or feel ways that they don’t. Just because we prefer one way of living doesn’t mean we think all other ways shouldn’t exist.

The second destination was the world of bows! I had already fallen in love with Disney’s Minnie ear headbands and wanted to start a collection for myself, as well as matching ones for my step-daughter, who will be nine this summer. As my Minnie MagicBand states, we’re “all about the bows” and I just put in an order for the matching beach towel. They don’t make baby size Minnie ears though! Sooooo, I took to Facebook and found myself a couple groups, or rather families. The first is Little Lopers. It’s ran by one momma who makes the cutest bows! She does all different colors and styles and sizes. The website is http://www.littlelopers.com and so far we ordered pink mini headwrap for newborn, sassy dots in baby for when we take her to Disney, and groovy mini headwrap for newborn which is tie-dye and fantastic! I need to win the lottery just to buy all the bows! The other group I found is Olivia’s Bow Club which I found when searching for a bow subscription box. I love being able to buy something and not have to worry about continuing to order here and there. Every month three different color and style bows will be shipped to me and I can get matching headbands for me and clips for my other daughter as add-ons. Woohoo! Love it.

Here’s a referral link to Olivia’s Bow Club and a code to use to get your first month free! https://oliviasbowclub.com/?raf=ref0746709      code is: ref0746709

We are officially a bow family, and a pink family.

I feel like it’s all moving so fast, but so slow at the same time. My baby shower/barbecue is less than three weeks away now. We still have to order the plates and decorations from Walmart and Amazon which we’re doing this weekend and next weekend. The food is taken care of for the most part as we’ve been slowly accumulating things here and there. The shower is watermelon themed, with lots of bright or light pink and lime green. We’re doing pulled pork, macaroni salad, hamburgers, a smoked turkey, chips and dip, and loads of homemade cupcakes with food coloring, sprinkles and chocolate chips to make them look watermelony. I also found a straw beach hat to match the theme. It’s going to be adorable.

We have most of the stuff for the nursery taken care of. The crib, changing table/dresser, travel system (his parents), rocking chair (my grandpa). Still haven’t decided on a going home outfit for her, haven’t ordered the diaper bag yet, and I’m waiting a couple more weeks before I pack my hospital bag. Nursery decorations are in the works and I’ll finish buying clothes and diapers after I can take inventory from the shower. My due date is still 3 months away but it feels like it’s creeping up so quickly.

Our house is coming together nicely. It seems things are much slowly paced now. We have all the rooms except the guest bath painted. Some areas still need touched up and we’re procrastinating. Luckily, my “nesting” has turned into a form of extreme OCD and motivation. We got the pet closet built and my hallway closet is rearranged for all my cleaning supplies. I love all my cleaning stuff. We also have our stock pile area arranged with all the household supplies we’ve stocked up on from Sam’s Club and BJ’s the past couple months. The fence is finally put in and our husky loves it! We also got him a little sister, a German Shepherd/Husky/Retriever mix who is great at keeping him company and helping run his energy out.

Back to the guest bath. I found the cutest bathroom set that I’m getting and we picked out the paint to match. It’s under the sea themed so we’re doing a light blue color on all the walls and then my sister, who is super talented at drawing, is putting seaweed in a light green around the bottom. It’s going to be adorable and I can’t wait to see it finished which should be this weekend. The new smart mirror and a couple other things are being put up tomorrow so I can’t do too much until that’s all done.

Well, I think that’s most of what’s been going on. If anything else comes to mind I’ll be sure to make another post. I miss writing. I’ve been writing research papers for my class all semester but I find it so therapeutic to just get out all the goings ons of my day, or month.

Hope everyone else is doing well (:

Marching On

Hey everyone,

I’m 22 weeks as of tomorrow. Woohoo. Cheers to a thus far successful pregnancy. We found out it’s a girl, the name is all picked out. The nursery is halfway set up, with the crib coming at the end of the month. I finished designing the shower invitations today and will have those printed out soon. I did some research and they’re supposed to be sent out a month to two months before the shower. We decided on May 5th so as long as I have them out before the end of the month I’m what is considered “socially acceptable.” Not that I much care about that sort of thing but it would be nice to give everyone enough time to RSVP so I don’t end up with too much or not enough food.

Mark’s birthday was this month. We went to a little French restaurant with his parents for dinner. His mom loves escargot and I was forced to try it. I say forced because I hate trying anything on the spot. I’ve always thought snail would be slimy and disgusting but it was in a garlic butter sauce and actually had a nice texture. I probably wouldn’t order a dish for myself but I’ll take one of hers from now on. It was nice to have tried something new and discovered that I actually like it. It was a reminder not to judge things without giving them a chance.

I have to admit, it’s extremely hard to stay anti-pink once you find out you’re having a daughter. I’m still anti-ugly flower patterns but the pink stuff is getting cuter. Mostly because I don’t want people to ask me if it’s a boy or girl or assume that it’s a boy because then I’ll be pissed off and correct them probably too rudely than necessary. Don’t jump on me for being sexist, but society tends to fall into the same rut. Blue means boy, pink means girl. And honestly, when babies are fresh out of the womb, they all look the same. You see the little feet and toes, the little hands and fingers and that’s that. It’s also making me more feminine. I’ve been buying more cute clothes for myself. Mostly because the stuff is comfortable but also because I want to have the cute little mommy and daughter girly outfits. It is what it is. It’s my first child, my first girl. A little me. I’m enjoying it as much as I can.

Other than that, work is cool. School is decent. Grades are good, things are being done on time. Hope everyone else is having a good 2019. 🙂

Telling Time

There aren’t enough hours in the day, but yet time seems to drag on. You look back and wonder where the time went while simultaneously counting the seconds to the next event, day, hour.
I wasn’t planning on stepping away from my site for as long as I did. Between waiting patiently for my little peanut to grow, to wishing the days away until the house was completed, many things got pushed to the side. That said, I have returned with a newfound sense of patience and understanding that time passes just as it should.

Yesterday I had my anatomy scan for the little one. I found out a couple weeks ago, from the blood test, that I’m having a little girl. The ultrasound yesterday confirmed such. She also has all her fingers and toes, a nicely forming heart, all her facial features, and so on. It appears as though her and our home are progressing hand in hand. The nursery is now painted, several outfits picked out, registry completed, baby “shower” planned, and almost all the family has been told.

I’m terrified of telling my grandpa. He raised me most of my life. I’m not worried that he’ll be angry or disappointed, just that he might make me feel as though I’m not ready. Honestly, I’m not ready. I don’t think anyone is ready to have their first child. You can visualize other people taking care of their children, read books about it, get advice on it, but still have absolutely no idea the full effect it will have on your life. I guess I just want him to be happy for me, not concerned, though any parent probably feels concern when hearing news like this. I’m thinking of writing him an e-mail, or telling my great-grandma and hoping somehow she passes the news along, but I feel like that’s the coward’s way out and he deserves to hear it from me.

School is school. I’m working on a research paper right now about henna tattoos and their place in different cultures. That should be fun. I have a busy couple months ahead of me, but I hope to write about it much more often. (:

TGIT

Thank God It’s Thursday!!! The spring half of most shows start this week, or next. The Blacklist started again, Grey’s Anatomy and How to Get Away With Murder came back on tonight, The Good Doctor comes back next Monday… and I’m sure there are more shows that I watch starting up again that are evading me.
Quick note, Grey’s Anatomy just seemed strange. It’s so different than what it was in the beginning. I’ve watched form the beginning and it’s becoming a bit more soap opera and less medical drama. The episode tonight opened up in the storm, just as the fall finale had finished off. Teddy and Amelia had some going back and forth over her being pregnant and Amelia blames herself for it all because she was initially the one who had told Owen to go to Germany to see her. Still, it was so messed up for him to have sex with her and Teddy is just stupid if she thought coming back and telling Owen that she was having his child wasn’t going to cause any problems. Deluca almost kissed Meredith, but didn’t. However, there was a very interesting moment when they were stuck in an elevator speaking Italian, a language of love. Other things happened too, but nothing I really care about. HTGAWM seems decent so far, but per usual, the story line jumps back and forth so much and doesn’t move along quickly enough for me. The Blacklist is still great, and I won’t have an opinion on The Good Doctor until next week.


The house hasn’t really seen any progress. The tile on the master bath floor isn’t sticking right so that’s probably going to have to be redone. We did a little bit of painting today. I touched up some areas that had been messed up during the bathroom demolition. Hubby took out the shelf that was in the closet and painted the rest of it. We’re going to build our own little set up in there that will work best for us. I cannot wait for everything in the living room to be completed so my desk can be built and installed, as well as our full wall, floor to ceiling bookshelves and entertainment center. Big things will be coming to our home.


Class is going fine. I took the past couple days off reading for it. I got so engrossed in the novel I started the other night, Origin by Dan Brown. I’ve read a couple of his books and absolutely loved every single one of them. His writing really has a way of making you think, think really deeply about a variety of things. Also, yesterday was Mark’s only day off so we spent the day together and did some shopping for the house. I’ve had some interviews here and there for different part time positions. I’ve begun volunteering at a local shelter as a way to get me out of the house and busy. It’s also nice to be contributing to the community, even if it is in a small way. And it gets me away from the textbooks and computer for a while.


Baby news: I’ll be 14 weeks on Sunday. Woohoo. It’s sometimes debated whether the second trimester begins with the 13th or 14th week, but either way, I’ll be there come Sunday. Found out I have a UTI so I’ve been taking medication for that the past couple days. I wonder if that was why sex had felt so uncomfortable the past week or so. I had absolutely no other symptoms. They’re really common during pregnancy, but it’s strange how it’s so different than getting a UTI when not pregnant.

Well, I’m going to get a snack and watch the rest of my show. Have a good weekend everyone!! (:

International Studies…

This semester one of my classes is International Studies. I was planning on working full time, but things changed when I found out I was pregnant. However, I had already enrolled in and paid for the online version of this class. The semester started last Monday, but students had access to the class the weekend before. Something I noticed when I was looking throughout the syllabus and modules was there were only three assignments with due dates. Not for the first week, or the first month, but for the entire class, there were only three assignments. Turns out, the professor doesn’t believe in exams, and all the reading and discussion posts are self-paced as long as they are completed before the last week of class, which would be the last week of April.

At first it threw me off because I need deadlines to make things happen sometimes. If it’s a boring class or topic, I have the hardest time writing papers or anything. The only thing that inspires me is the pressure of time. With this class, if I were to procrastinate until the last minute, there would be no way I would get the assignments done in time. I can write a 6 page paper in two hours but there’s no way I’d be able to read and write a discussion post for almost 500 pages in two hours. Nope.

I had to figure out a different way to get this done. Another aspect of this class is that the professor has the reading assignments spaced out in a way that we’re constantly jumping back and forth and reading less than half the chapters. I love other cultures and peoples and traditions so I want to read the whole thing. I’ve decided to read a chapter a day. There’s 38 chapters, so even if I take a day off or can’t get through an especially boring chapter all at once, I’ll still be done in two months tops, with 2 months to spare. (:

Wish me luck guys. (:

Moving Along

Well to mark my 13 weeks, the master bathroom is a vanity, toilet, mirror, light, and shower head away from being completed. We aren’t sure what colors to paint it yet, but it’ll probably include the blue from the accent wall in the master bedroom.

When you see the tile in the pictures, what do you think would work with it? I don’t really want more grey on the walls in there and I don’t want a dark bathroom either. The vanity is going to be white. Any ideas?

Also, remember when the plumbers came at the beginning of this week and cut up my pretty, beautiful walls to fix the pipes? Well, the drywall guy came and filled all that in and made it pretty again. I finally got the repainting done and it’s dried. Things are coming together, slowly, but definitely coming together.

Not reno-related, but the new book I’ve started is Origin by Dan Brown.

Hope everyone is having a lovely new year (:

The Recipe Club – Part 3

The end has come y’all. This is review on the last part of the novel The Recipe Club by Andrea Israel and Nancy Garfinkel. There will be many spoilers. Again, SPOILERS BELOW. Part 3 consists of the year 2002 and the postscript dated 2003.

Part 3 is written like an actual book and it would have to be considering how Lilly and Valerie weren’t speaking to each other after they parted ways in 2000 after a failed effort to reconnect. I hate that I’m about to say this because I’ve been so against the book up to this point, but I really enjoyed this part of the book. It had dialogue rather than just monologue and it focused on Valerie and her husband Jeff more than it did Lilly.

Something really interesting happens in 2002. Isaac, Lilly’s father, passes away. Most people are familiar with the saying “I’ll take it to my grave.” Well, Isaac probably should’ve done that. At the same time though, if he did the two girls probably would have spent eternity apart.

What is the crazy secret you might ask? Well. upon Isaac’s passing, his lawyer was directed to deliver a letter to Valerie. This letter reveals that he is her father. Isaac and Valerie’s mother decided that they would not tell her until they died. Being that Valerie’s mother died two years early (which was the reason the girls started talking again in 2000) it was then left to Isaac to unleash the truth.

To me, Valerie really made a mistake here, but it’s one that most people would’ve made. She immediately wrote an e-mail to Lilly and sent her a copy of the letter overnight. Lilly, in good old Lilly fashion, decided that it would be best to announce this news at her father’s memorial at the institute he founded where many prominent psychologists and people were present. Not only did she announce the news about his love child, she also stated that all of his research was falsified and only based on one case study. His lover, Valerie’s mother, and that she was never cured and therefore all of his research is invalid.

I get where Lilly was coming from though. Her dad, Isaac, spent so much more time with Valerie and her mother and traveling for his books and everything. Why not tear down everything that he built while he was essentially ignoring her and her dream in life. It’s not her fault that she took after her mother. You can’t mold someone exactly to what you want them to be and still expect them to be happy and prosper. Lilly even says later in the book when her and Valerie reunite that Valerie was always the daughter he loved more.

This part made quite a bit come together and explained Isaac’s obsession with Valerie a bit. The postscript written in 2003 follows Valerie and Lilly through their friendship, or sisterhood?, and Lilly seems different. She seems more responsible and less flighty. All in all, I still wouldn’t recommend going out and paying full price for this book. If you see it on the shelf in a thrift store or a used bookstore, go for it. It’s not completely awful and some of the recipes look absolutely delicious and I can’t wait to make them.

On to the next book. I’m going to look at the best reads of 2018 lists and the most looked forward to in 2019 lists. Stay tuned (:

Oh the Worlds

Something I have always loved about reading is how easy the words make it to fall into a new world and leave yours behind completely. It’s an escape from the worries, the bills, all the things in the back of your mind. The Recipe Club by Andrea Israel and Nancy Garfinkel has definitely done that for me and I’ve instead focused my energy on reviewing this book while napping with my animals.

However, with every Monday comes the real world crashing back down. Tomorrow the semester starts. Yay, I think? Also, the plumbers will be back and the master bathroom will be finished and functional. Tuesday, the drywall guy will be coming back to fix the places in the wall that were cut out in order to rerun the plumbing.

Thankfully, my pretty blue wall wasn’t touched. I’ll be so happy to have another functional bathroom that I won’t even mind having to repaint. And after the drywall guy leaves, and paint dries, we’ll be able to FINALLY move into the master bedroom and start making it our space.

Being crammed in one of the small rooms and not being able to set clothes out has been pretty stressful on us. It’s hard living out of boxes, which is essentially what we’re doing. I’m ready to finally be able to space out our things and not have all my clothes and textbooks shoved in the same little corner, especially now that the semester is starting.

Baby appointment this week! I’ll be 12w4d. Have a good week guys!!

The Recipe Club – Part 2, cont.

And now I continue my review of The Recipe Club by Andrea Israel and Nancy Garfinkel.

If you want a quick, spoiler free word of advice, don’t buy it unless you want to go through some philosophical analysis of yourself and feel sad, without quite putting your finger on why.

SPOILERS BELOW. LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS. 

Remember in The Recipe Club – Part 2 where I said it seemed like the book was about to reach a turning point? Well, I was right. At least for now. As they’ve gotten older, the same issues are still there to a degree, but Lilly has really surprised me with how supportive she is about Valerie going to college, even if she did blow her off on New Year’s Eve and her graduation. She’s also begun acknowledging Valerie’s problems and concerns in her replies, which she almost never did before. I’m only on 1971, still 2 and a half years to go in Part 2 but I wanted to get these thoughts down so I could remember them should Lilly piss me off again.


Spoke too soon. I didn’t even get out of 1971 before Lilly made a comment about the friends Valerie was making at college and the way she was acting. “Full of herself” is what I believe Lilly said. And after years, YEARS, of Lilly always telling her she needed to live a little and not be so shy, etc., she had the nerve to tell Valerie “just be yourself, that’s the Valerie I like best.” Why? Why now? Why after years of making her feel like she wasn’t “cool” or she wasn’t “outgoing” and that she was too focused on “school and books”. Like what the hell Lilly. What happened to the supportive person you were when she was going off to college? Telling her that she can do it and it won’t be that bad? She finally adjusts and meets one friend in particular that she can relate to because she’s a nerd as well, and you have to put her down for it? Are you jealous that she went to college early? Are you jealous that she has other friends that she’s spending more time with now? What’s the issue??? In my opinion, the only issue here is Lilly.

Definitely at some point in my child’s life, probably when they go to college (due to the fact that there’s so many references to sexual things and drugs. I don’t mind my kid being knowledgeable about substances and substance abuse, but I don’t want them to think it’s glamorous or cool. Be mad about it, I don’t care. My kids not yours.) and it will simply be because I want them to know when someone is a good friend and when someone is absolutely awful. The only thing Lilly has going for her is that they’ve known each other for so long, but she’s certainly not a good friend and she doesn’t seem to have the capability to be one.


This book has got to be the most back and forth novels I’ve ever read. Lilly, dear Lilly, is a crappy friend. BUT when it comes to the really crazy off the wall stuff that you need support for, she comes through. She might not show up to your graduation, but she doesn’t judge you for getting an abortion, doesn’t question your thoughts, and when a professor tries feeling you up and forcing you into a sexual encounter, she gives you some pretty damn good advice about not letting the one instance effect every situation with a man afterwards. Something the writers did quite well with the whole abortion issue is while yes, Valerie did go through with it, they brought up the thoughts and feelings that may occur from being put into that situation and that was nice. I’m personally pro-life but I understand the right to choose. I’m glad they showed both sides to an extent. The writers also tied it into the women’s rights battle that they’ve snuck into the book a couple of times since the girls have grown up. It’s nice to be pulled back into that time period and see some of the struggles women, and people, faced and gives me a bit more appreciation for the time period I live in now. Back to the book. (:


Well. That wasn’t expected at all. In the beginning of the book, in Part 1, year 2000, the authors never divulge what exactly happened between the two that separated them for so long. It was hinted at that it was related to Lilly’s father, but to what extent it was never revealed. Now, boy oh boy do we know. I can’t say that Valerie was right in what she did, but I can’t say that I wouldn’t of done the same thing if I was in her position. I can also say with certainty that should someone have done to me what Valerie did to Lilly, I probably would’ve felt and acted the same way. I don’t know if it’s because I was in the same position as Lilly as far as my grandfather helps me out quite a bit when I need it. I didn’t get pocket cash all the time like Lilly does from her father and my grandpa isn’t footing my bill for college, but if I’m ever in dire need, I know that he’ll help me out. I also don’t believe there’s anything I could do that would cause him to cut me off either. I’ve done some things in my life when I was younger and rather than disown me (he’s my step-grandfather at that) he was always very supportive and encouraging. I might chalk it up to him being a very Christian man (not one of the people who judges but someone who is compassionate and generous and believes everything is for a plan) or maybe he’s just that kind of person.

All this said, the book didn’t get any better but a lot of things fell into place and made more sense. I still don’t like Lilly and I would hate to have friends like her, but it explains the cryptic and irritating first 38 pages.